Randy

Six years ago today a dear friend, Randy, ended their life.  He will always be missed by family and friends.  I often speak to him when I take down or put up a pavilion.  Other times too, but there is something about camp set up and take down that brings him to mind.

The weirdest thing happened, my Randy's name showed up in a word search game I played today.  The game is called Strands.  It is wordsearch but the letters don't have to be in a straight line.  Certain words solve the puzzle.  Other words can add up to earn a hint.  Randy wasn't an answer, but a word within the puzzle.

Another weird thing is that I kept hearing my name being called at work, but it wasn't.

Then this song popped up while I was scrolling.  It mentions hearing someone call your name.

That is all.

The Loss of a Streak

This post is me decompressing over the loss of my step goal streak. It is a little disjointed.

For about 988 days I put way too much emphasis on obtaining my 10,000 step a day goal. How do I know this? I am feeling rather broken now that I have lost the streak. It started when I went from trying to obtain 10,000 steps a day to accidentally realizing that I had done it for a week or so to molding my life around getting that step count in. It lasted over two and half years and I’m lost.

I’m also realizing that this obsession I had with the step goal might be why I have found less and less joy in going outside for walks. It has become all about the number and not about the experience. I’m taking a step back, so to speak, to think about the reasons I let myself get to this point and to rethink my goals.

Pacing around the house to reach the goal did just that, it allowed me to reach the goal. It wasn’t a way to be happy while reaching the goal. The goal had become work. And not good work. I had been considering ending the streak, but I wasn’t ready to. I know I wasn’t ready by the way I feel today, the day after. I’m trying really hard to look at the positives and they are starting to show themselves.

Last night while attempting to reach that goal my foot started to hurt. I kept walking, even jogging some to try to get there. I’m not an athlete trying to win a medal, I should have stopped. This week I will do my best to recover from the psychological crap I have been putting myself through because of this goal. I want to focus on self care in a more positive way. The end goal shouldn’t be the amount of steps, it should be how healthy I am feeling and how happy I am to get there.

All this said, I tend to do well with having daily goals to obtain. That is one of the things I have learned about myself. In this case, I believe, I let the goal be more important than the journey to get there.

Grief

In December of 2021 a young man named Steven passed away. Steven’s Mom (TF is what I call her in my blog) and I are close friends and have known each other since around 1998. We met as homeschooling parents and our children were good friends while I lived in Texas. Steven and my daughter played together then as did my son and Steven's little sister. We were only in Texas a year before my family relocated. Steven's mom and I kept in touch, intermittently at first, but with the wonders of modern technology, now we talk a few times a week. We even have a gaming night. This post is about Steven and grief.

When TF was trying to do things to prepare for the funeral she wanted stories. I'm not a good story teller, I try, but the memory needs to be close and I am seldom really good at reading people. Still I tried to come up with something. Then I asked TF what Steven's favorite childhood book was. When she told me, my first thought was, "Of course!" followed by, "I knew that." Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak is a classic children's story about childhood adventures, imagination, and love. Like the boy in the book, Max, when Steven was a boy he was full of energy. He could be found doing gymnastics, running, or up in a tree. He could also be found running up a tree to do gymnastics on a branch. Creating a wild rumpus is what he enjoyed doing.

Also like Max in the book, Steven had an imagination. He used his imagination to spin tales and to have adventures. He was a great story teller. Two years ago I visited TF and Steven told me a story of one of his adventures. He told his stories with his entire being. He was passionate and expressive and he could draw you into his story. He also used his imagination to better himself including starting his own business.

I don't know what happens when we die. I do know how the rest of those that a person touched and loved are left behind to mourn. There are so many feelings and many of them never go away. The sadness and emptiness eventually fade some, but are never gone. Everyone processes it differently and in their own time.

I don't know what happens when we die. For Steven my hope is that this kind, gentle, and loving young man has left the earth to have new and wondrous adventures in his afterlife.

A song about grief.

My Year 2021 in Review

It is the time of year that brings on contemplation for the year we are saying goodbye to and hopes for the new year that we are about to meet.  When the year 2021 began some things I had hoped for were to downsize more and write poems. 

Zed and I spent all of Lent going through boxes and recording our processes for YouTube.  This made me accountable for more than just myself.  I did get rid of a bunch of stuff; I still have so much to do.  I learned a bit about video editing and burn out.  The box a day thing was doable for those 46 days of Lent.  Towards the end I just needed it to be over.  I was going to take just a little bit of time off and start again, I didn’t restart.  I have gone through more boxes here and there, but that momentum is gone.  I was unemployed then and I am not now, but that is an excuse.  I know my life would be better with fewer things and I need to work toward that.

As for the poetry, well, I tried a little at the beginning of the year but that just really didn’t happen.  Maybe I will start that again… no one should be holding their breath for that.  

The above doesn’t cover 2021 though.  The year began with Bel and Folke living with Zed, Keziah, Gideon and myself here in New Hampshire.  They are now spending time with Bel’s dad in Texas, working at making their bus a mobile house so that it can become a home.  There are other people who are staying with us now as we try to help family and friends get through rough patches in their lives.

We are all another year older. 

I’ve been able to check off visiting some of NH fire towers off my bucket list.  

With the Covid pandemic still looming over us, SCA activities have been limited.  We did get to a few events and are planning for some going forward.  I miss this part of my life, but I don’t know what to do when I am participating now.  This skill of being with people is hard.  It always has been for me but it is getting worse with the pandemic.  

Gardening happened but the groundhogs won.  If I garden this coming year, I am hoping for better.  The fence is still not complete; finishing/fixing the fence and raised beds will be the first orders of business.  I’m still working on getting plants going in the cellar.  

Since August 13th of 2019 I have managed to reach my 10,000 steps a day goal.  I believe I maintained my daily happy blog for 2021 every day as well.

At the beginning of 2021 my friend, TF, and I started trying to hold each other accountable for our goals and weekly maintenance.  We have been forgiving and gentle with each other and it has been good.  

People are still being born and dying.  I haven’t met any new babies this year.  Some deaths, however, have been close to my heart.  Crying/grieving is important.

At the end of 2019 we adopted two cats.  In the middle of 2020 we also adopted a dog.  It has been a pet filled year and we are still learning how to manage all the animals.  We love them and although it was iffy for a bit, I think we are keeping them all.

As I attempt to lean into the year 2022 I want to make new goals and plans.  I start and then tumble as I think that the reality will not turn out as hoped.  I want to say that I will write poems and travel more and get all the downsizing done.  Perhaps if I just try to use my time more wisely, these things will happen anyway.  

My wish is good health to all.  May you prosper in the ways you need and love deeply.

For 2022, my daily blog can be found here. As I write this, it is still under construction.

Snake.

 Since I know that not everyone wants to see a snake when they go to the blog for happy things, here is the garter snake I encountered today while getting the wheelbarrow.

This little guy seemed to like the compost pile.

A little while later just the end of the tail was noticable.

☮

Stomach or Carcass?

 So I found something in the snow this morning.  At first I thought it was an embryo or fetus from a mouse or other rodent.  When I examined the photo I thought maybe a mole because of the yellow looking part at what I thought could be a nose.  

  The closer I examined the photo the more I leaned toward this being a stomach.  Going back outside and seeing if it is still there and getting a much closer look would undoubtedly confirm this.  The timid teenager in me who didn't care for disections in school says nope.  The aged, curious, adult in me says yes.  The practical part, however, that part that looks at the forteen degrees, feels like zero, doesn't want to get dressed up again to head outside, even though it is nine degrees warmer than when this was found. 

So, what do you think?  Other than that I am a wuss!

I believe the tracks in the snow to be cat.

The stomach/or what?

Deer Carcass Update

 We made an attempt at boiling the deer carcass to remove what was left of the meat and such.  It is winter and we lacked enough dry wood-and enough human energy-to keep such a large amount of water boiling outside in the cold.  More research was done and the bones are now "buried" under an opaque bin in hopes that nature will, over time, clean off the bones.  The plan is to leave them there, undisturbed, until spring- maybe summer.  It may not work, I'm okay with that.  I can dig deeper and really bury them if need be.

The Deer Jaw.

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